


Blue Mist Round My Soul

by supernatural_mondler (1DE3shipper)



Category: The West Wing
Genre: (though in my brain while writing this sam's in love with josh so implied samjosh maybe?), Angst, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-OT3, Pre-Slash, Sad, its 1am and i dont know how to tag, mentions of self-harm/suicide, tagging angst again bc this is...really angsty, theres not really romance here sam and donna just really really love josh a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-20 14:51:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18127784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1DE3shipper/pseuds/supernatural_mondler
Summary: As much as Sam didn’t want to think about what might be awaiting him at Josh’s, even more than that he didn’t want to think about what might happen with every minute until he got there.





	Blue Mist Round My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I have had some variation of this idea in my head for literal months now, and I finally wrote the damn thing this week. Basically another way Josh's breakdown in Noel could have happened, with some OT3 content. Title comes from Yer Blues by the Beatles. Most of this was written and edited between like 11pm and 3am on various days so any mistakes are the result of that.

Sam was awoken by the shrill ringing of his phone.  His first reaction was to ignore it, to hope that it wasn’t a national emergency and he didn’t have to sacrifice the rare night’s sleep to go into work and deal with…whatever he might have to deal with.  On the other hand, it actually could be an emergency in which case he really needed to answer the phone.

“Hello?” he groaned into the receiver, blinking his eyes against the darkness of the room.  No words came from the other end of the line, but Sam could hear the sound of shaky breaths.  “Hello?” he tried again.  He sat up in bed and switched on his bedside lamp.

“ _I’m sorry…_ ” came the quiet response.

“Josh?”  Now he was worried.  This wasn’t the first time Josh called him in the middle of the night; the man’s internal clock was about as reliable as his broken watch, but right now he didn’t sound drunk, and he didn’t sound like he was at the office.  He sounded scared.  “Josh, what’s going on?”

“ _I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called, it’s late, I’m…I’m sorry, I’ll…_ ”

“Josh, wait, stay on the phone,” Sam instructed.  He climbed out of bed and held the phone to his ear as he dug around in his dresser for some sweats to pull on.  “Talk to me, what’s wrong?  Where are you?”

“ _Nothing’s wrong, sorry, I shouldn’t…I’m at my apartment, I’ll be…I’m…_ ”

“Josh,” he stopped him.  No matter what Josh said, he didn’t sound okay.  Sam had heard him in all sorts of different mindsets, but this ones was completely new to him, and that scared him to death.  “I’m coming over, okay?  Stay right where you are.  Do you need to call someone else until I get there?”

“ _I didn’t…I didn’t know who else to call_ ,” Josh admitted softly.  “ _Sam I’m…I don’t know what’s wrong_.  _I don’t know what’s wrong with me._ ”

His voice shook; he sounded so scared and Sam wanted to cry. 

“Just…stay where you are, okay?  I’m on my way.  Will you be okay until I get there?”

“ _I don’t…yeah, I’m okay.  Just…please come though?_ ”

Sam didn’t want to hang up, not when he sounded so vulnerable.  Even in the middle of the night it would take at least fifteen minutes to get to his place by cab, and he really didn’t know what was wrong with Josh.  He hadn’t sounded to be in any physical danger, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t something…worse.

Sam had been worried about him for a few weeks now, and he knew the others were starting to catch on too.  They had been expecting something like this to happen, but he thought they had figured Josh was out of the woods.  He had been back at work for a few months and everything had seemed normal.  Apparently it had only been a matter of time before he snapped.  Apparently tonight was the night.

He called Donna quickly before he left, because there was no way he was prepared to deal with whatever awaited him at Josh’s by herself.

“ _Hello?_ ” Donna answered sleepily.

“Donna?  It’s Sam.  Can you meet me at Josh’s?  I’m really worried about him and I don’t know what to do,” he was straight to the point, toeing his shoes on his feet as he did so, ready to walk out the door as soon as he hung up.

“ _What?  What’s going on?  Is he okay?_ ” Donna sounded much more alert.

“I don’t know, but he just called me and he sounded in a bad place.  Can you just meet me there?”

“ _Yeah, I’m on my way_ ,” Donna confirmed, and Sam let the line go dead as he rushed out of his apartment.

There were no cabs on the street in front of his apartment—unsurprising, given the hour—but Sam didn’t want to wait to call one, so he just started walking as quickly as he could in the direction of Josh’s.  He made it over two blocks before one finally passed, and he hailed it over at the last minute, climbing in quickly and giving the driver Josh’s address.

Now that he was seated, he had time to really let his mind run wild with images of just how bad Josh might be.  Sam pictured him sitting up in bed, hugging his knees to his chest and gasping in shallow breaths trying to keep himself under control.  Or maybe he had tried to get up, only to collapse to the floor next to his bedside table, the phone barely in reach.  Another image, this one significantly darker than the first ones flashed in his eyes, of Josh curled in a ball on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own blood.  He recalled with horror that life-altering night at Rosslyn, remembered Josh’s blood seeping through his shirt and onto the concrete, onto his _hands_ …

He rubbed his fists against his eyes, desperate to erase everything from his mind before he got sick all over the back seat of the cab, and willed the driver to go faster.  _God_ , as much as Sam didn’t want to think about what might be awaiting him at Josh’s, even more than that he didn’t want to think about what might happen with every minute until he got there.

The cab jerked to a stop and Sam jolted into action.  He hardly glanced at the meter before thrusting a twenty in the direction of the front seat.  He stumbled to the curb, just barely avoiding falling on his face in his rush, and froze when he got to the front door.

A key.  He didn’t have Josh’s key.

Just on the other side of the door and up a flight of stairs was one of the most important people in his life, and Sam couldn’t pass the last physical barrier.  He tried the door in the futile hope that is was unlocked, but to no avail, so he sunk down right where he was and did his best to control his breathing.  _Donna would be here soon, Donna would be here soon, Donna will fix everything_ he repeated to himself.  The last thing he needed to do was break down before he could help Josh.  He tried to fixate on the first image his brain had created, what he would call the best case scenario, of Josh safe in his bed, a little shaken from a nightmare, but ultimately no worse off.  He couldn’t bring himself to contemplate anything more…

A gentle hand on his head cause Sam to jerk his chin up, his eyes meeting Donna’s worried blue ones.

“Sam?” she questioned.

“I don’t have a key,” Sam croaked, voice thick with tears he wouldn’t allow himself to shed.

“Oh, Sam,” Donna soothed sympathetically, brushing his hair back from his forehead as she dug through her purse for the spare set of keys to Josh’s apartment.  Victorious, she unlocked the front door and helped Sam to his feet.  They climbed to the second floor carefully, but with a sense of urgency.  It had been over half an hour since Sam’s initial call from Josh, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t terrified of what could have happened in the last half hour.

“You said he sounded bad on the phone…” Donna trailed off, hesitating as they finally reached the door to Josh’s unit. 

“It was…” Sam shook his head.  “I’ve never heard him sound like that before Donna.  And then when he actually asked me to come…I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m so scared.  I don’t know how to help.”

“Let’s go in, then,” Donna suggested, though it wasn’t so much a suggestion as her bracing them both for whatever it was they needed to do to help their friend.

The apartment was dark, so Sam concluded that Josh had gone to bed at some point in the evening.  He made a beeline for the bedroom, but found the bed empty.  Doing a quick three-sixty showed no signs of Josh in here either, and he was about to turn around to check the main room when his eyes fell on the open door to the bathroom, lights completely off.

Sam gulped, suppressing his worst fears as he crept across the room.  He heard Donna approach behind him, but made no motion to acknowledge her now.  It was pitch black in the bathroom, so Sam immediately flipped on the light switch and a sob caught in he throat at the sight that greeted him.

The first thing he noticed was the lack of blood, but there was no time to celebrate because the second thing he noticed was the collection of pills—prescription-strength painkillers left over from Josh’s recovery—that had been spilled across the bathroom floor, with Josh sitting in the middle, face hiding in his knees.

Sam dropped to the ground beside him immediately, pulling Josh as close to him as possible and gently grabbing his chin so he could see the other man’s face.

“Josh,” Sam urged. “Hey, look at me, Josh.”

Josh squeezed his eyes shut as he let out a shuddery breath, which turned into a full sob, and suddenly here again was the Josh that had called Sam at two in the morning, desperate for help.  Sam’s heart broke because he was at a loss for what to do.

“I need you to talk to me Josh,” Sam encouraged.  “Whatever you can, anything you can say, just tell me what you’re feeling.  Tell me what you need.”

Sam was aware that he sounded a little desperate because he _was_ a little desperate.  Even as he spoke he checked Josh for signs of physical injury, frantically brushing his hands over every inch of Josh’s body.  He vaguely registered Donna sitting down on Josh’s other side, felt her arm rest on top of his as they tried to surround Josh with as much love and comfort as humanly possible.

“Hey, hey, come on Josh, talk to me, _please_ ,” he begged.  “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Josh choked out.  “I don’t…I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I’m scared, Sam, I don’t know, please…”

Sam had to blink back his own tears as he wiped a thumb across Josh’s cheek to catch his.  This was even worse than Josh had sounded on the phone, and Sam had no idea how to bring Josh back to reality.

“Josh,” Donna spoke softly, startling them both.  Up until that point, Sam wasn’t sure that Josh had even noticed her presence, but now he turned his head so that it was resting on Donna’s shoulder and she whispered to him for a moment.  Sam couldn’t tell what she was saying to him, but Josh nodded slightly, though his breathing didn’t seem to even out at all.  Any response was better than none, but Sam felt a bit powerless that he couldn’t seem to get through to him.

“Okay, now, can you start with what happened before you called Sam?” she finally tried again.  Sam shifted so that he could see Josh’s face as he answered.

“I don’t remember,” Josh’s voice trembled as he answered.  “I—I couldn’t breathe, and I didn’t know what else to do, I thought…I was gonna…”

“Josh,” Sam spoke slowly when Josh trailed off.  He took one of Josh’s hands and brought it to his chest, so that Josh could feel his heartbeat, counting his breaths and willing Josh to try to match his own breaths to Sam’s.  “Josh I need you to tell us…” he hesitated, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“Josh, did you take any of these?” Donna vocalized what they had both been thinking since they found Josh in here.

“I—I…”

“Josh,” Sam urged.

“No,” he shook his head against Donna’s shoulder.  “No, I—I wanted to, I thought I was gonna…but I couldn’t, they fell, I couldn’t….”

Sam let out a breath that he didn’t even know he had been holding.  Josh was safe, for that much he was thankful.  But the knowledge that Josh had even _thought_ about…

Sam thought he was going to be sick.

“Okay, shh, it’s okay,” Donna soothed.  With one hand she gently stroked up and down Josh’s arm, and Sam startled when the other came to rest on the back of his head.  He made eye contact with her, and she nodded slightly, silently instructing him to breath, and Sam realized that he too was crying now, and Donna was comforting them both.  “Come on, can you stand up for me?  Wanna let Sam and I help you to bed?”

Josh gave no response, but Sam took it as a signal to start to get up so he could help Josh too.  Donna did the same on Josh’s other side, and the two of them maneuvered Josh’s limp body to a semi-standing position.  Sam tried taking the brunt of his weight, letting Donna go on ahead to turn on a lamp next to Josh’s bed.  Sam slowly made his way across the room, arm around Josh’s waist to make up for the other man’s shaky legs.

Donna helped Sam ease him underneath the covers, still jumbled from the turbulent night Josh had had before he called for help.  Sam moved to step away as Donna arranged the sheets around him, but she stopped him, motioning to the spot on Josh’s other side.  Sam took the hint and climbed in next to him, pulling Josh as close to himself as possible.

“I’m going to go make him some tea,” Donna informed him, and Sam nodded in response.  He could still feel Josh trembling against him, the other man’s breath hitching every so often as he fought to control his sobs.  Sam tightened his grip, a signal that he was _there_ , and Josh nestled into him willingly.

“I was so scared,” Josh whispered, voice cracking.  “I just woke up, and it…it was like I was suffocating.  I couldn’t make it stop…”

“Shhh,” Sam brushed a hand down the back of Josh’s head, stroking his curls in what Sam hoped was a comforting motion.  “You’re safe, I’m here, you’re okay.”

“I don’t even remember calling you,” Josh admitted.  “I don’t remember deciding to call you, I just…I couldn’t breathe, it was like my head was screaming, and I guess I just…I needed to hear your voice.”

“I’m so glad you called,” Sam assured him.  “You did the right thing, you shouldn’t be alone.  I’m gonna stay right here, okay?  You’re safe now.”

“I thought I was gonna die.  I really did, I just wanted it to all be over, I just…I couldn’t do it…they all fell, and I couldn’t do it.”

Sam squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that threatened to spill over at the thought of just how close they had come to losing Josh for the second time in less than a year.  God, if Josh hadn’t called him…

“I’m sorry,” Josh sniffled into Sam’s neck.  “I’m sorry, I’m—”

“No, no, Josh, _god_ ,” Sam stopped him.  “You don’t have anything to apologize for, okay?  Not a thing.  You’re okay now, right?  You’re safe, I’m here, Donna’s making you some tea, you’re gonna be okay.”

“I don’t know what happened,” Josh repeated quietly.  “I don’t…Sam, what if it happens again?  I don’t even…what if next time I can’t stop?”

“Hey, hey, no, we’re not going to let you do anything, okay?” Sam assured him.  “I’ll stay over here every night if that’s what it takes, but nothing bad is going to happen to you, Josh, we’re not going to let it.”

“But what if—”

Josh protest was cut short by Donna’s reentrance.  She set the warm mug on the bedside table and Sam encouraged Josh to sit up a bit so he could drink.  Once they were settled, she handed the mug to Sam and turned to go back into the bathroom.  Sam could hear her moving around in there—cleaning up, most likely—as he slowly guided the mug to Josh’s mouth.  Josh brought a hand up to steady the drink as he sipped but allowed Sam to support it.

After a minute, Sam heard the toilet flush and Donna emerged from the other room.  She sat down on Josh’s other side, placing a gentle hand on his leg.

“Josh,” she addressed him softly, “do you have any medicine here that’s not in the bathroom?  I’m going to get rid of it all for you so this doesn’t happen again.”

Josh thought for a moment, then shook his head.  “You kept it all in the bathroom when you were staying here, right?” he asked.

“I always kept it in the bathroom,” Donna confirmed.  “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t move any of it.”

“I didn’t,” Josh assured her, then gave a quiet sigh.  Sam took the hint and passed the mug back to Donna, so she could return it to the bedside table, and he helped Josh lie down again.  Donna joined them this time, stretching out along the length of Josh’s back and wrapping an arm around him from behind.  Josh sunk further into the pillows surrounding them, nuzzling once again into Sam’s neck.  Sam draped his arm over the top of Josh, so that his hand was brushing Donna’s back too, connecting all of them.

“Are you okay to sleep?” Sam asked in a whisper.

“I…don’t know,” Josh admitted.

“That’s okay, we’re here,” Donna soothed, taking on of his hands in hers and giving it a squeeze.  “You’re safe.”

Josh woke up twice more that night, shaking and sobbing, and it left Sam wondering just how long this had been going on for, but that was a question for another time.  For now, he just held Josh tighter, whispering reassurances and wiping tears until the other man would fall back asleep.

Donna got up shortly before dawn to call Leo and let him know that Josh wouldn’t be in until later, and endured Toby’s irritation to report the same about Sam.  This wasn’t a sustainable solution, Sam was aware, but there was no way that Josh was fit to go into work right now, and the thought of leaving him, even with Donna, just about made Sam break.

He only heard snippets of Donna’s hushed conversations with their bosses.  Toby’s was short and sweet, as could be predicted, but Leo seemed to want information, or to offer more advice, or whatever, and while Sam couldn’t make out what the older man was saying, he was grateful for it all the same.  Josh deserved to have as many people in his corner as humanly possible.

While Donna was still in the other room, Josh awoke slowly, blinking and rubbing his eyes, then tensing, presumably as memories of the previous night flooded in.  Sam let him take a moment to adjust, again mindful of his own breathing so that Josh would have something to focus on.

“Well…” Josh began.  He pulled away from Sam almost entirely and sat up, Sam’s hand resting gently on his leg the only source of contact.

“Josh…”

“I’m sorry,” Josh said for what seemed like the hundredth time since he called Sam last night.  “That was…weird, I’m sorry you had to, you know…”

“Josh, no,” Sam countered.  “You have nothing to apologize, you did the right thing, I’m glad you called me.”

“You needed sleep,” Josh protested.

“I need you to be okay, more than anything,” Sam informed him.  “That is and will always be the most important thing to me, got it?  I need you, I don’t know what I would do without you, and I know Donna feels the same.”

Josh looked down, pointedly avoiding eye contact, but his hand was inching ever closer to Sam’s clearly yearning for the physical comfort Sam provided.

“Josh…”

“I don’t know if it’s going to happen again,” Josh said suddenly.  “I mean, it probably will, right?”

“Has it happened before?” Sam asked.

“Not like that,” Josh shook his head.

“But you’ve had nightmares?”

“I’ve always had nightmares,” Josh brushed off.  “I didn’t think they were any different.”

“You should talk to someone,” Sam suggested.  “Get some help.  I hate seeing you like this, Josh, that was scary.”

“It was scary for me too,” Josh admitted.

“So…?”

“Dunno,” Josh shrugged noncommittally.

“Josh…”

He was interrupted again by Donna apparently hanging up the phone in the other room as she joined them in bed again, leaning right up against Josh’s arm so that he could feel her presence.  Sam wished he was sitting that close to Josh too.

“How are you feeling?” she murmured softly, and Josh responded with only a shrug.  “Josh…”

“I’m okay,” he said quickly, though Donna didn’t look like she believed him for a second, and Sam didn’t blame her. “Really, I’m—”

“Hey, it’s us,” Sam reminded him.  “You don’t have to be okay.  And, Josh, you’re not okay.  Last night was…that wasn’t okay.”

“Have you thought about talking to someone?” Donna added, echoing Sam’s suggestion from earlier.

“No,” Josh responded automatically.  “I don’t…”

“Josh...”

“I said no!”  Both Sam and Donna looked at him, shooting each other side glances, at a loss for words at his sudden display of emotion.  “I just…I’ve been there before, I’ve done it before, and I don’t want that to be me again.  It’s okay, I made it through the night, I didn’t kill myself, we’re good.”

“Josh, you know that’s not how this works,” Donna scolded him gently.  “For all we know, last night was just the beginning.  And I don’t feel comfortable not knowing.  I worry about you, we all do.”

“I’m telling you, Donna, you really don’t need to worry about me,” Josh shifted, breaking contact with both of them.

“You just said yourself that it could happen again,” Sam reminded him.

“Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, we don’t know,” Josh huffed, and Sam wanted to scream.

“That’s the _point_ ,” he emphasized.  “We _don’t_ know, because we’re not professionals, and there’s only so much we can help, Josh.”

“Sam’s right,” Donna added.  “At least think about it?  Please?”

“It’s not like…” Josh ran he hands down his face as he appeared to struggle for the words.  “I want to get better, you know?  Last night was possibly one of the worst nights of my life, or, y’know, top ten at least.  I just wanted it all to _stop_.  And I…I guess I still just want it all to stop.”  He deflated a bit, and Sam took the opportunity to scoot closer again, and hand finding its place on Josh’s bare ankle.

“I meant it last night when I said that I’d stay here with you,” Sam informed him.  “Every night, you won’t have to be alone until we get this figured out.”

“I’m not gonna ask you to—”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering,” Sam interrupted.  “But Josh, that’s not gonna fix everything.  Josh, you were…you were _shot_ …” he whispered the last word, as if speaking aloud of the trauma Josh had suffered would suddenly jerk them back to that night.  “That doesn’t just go away.  You need to talk to someone.  A professional.”

“I…guess…,” Josh hesitated, voice thick with reemerging emotions.  Sam held his breath, wondering if another breakdown was imminent, but instead Josh moved to the edge of the bed to stand up.  It took him a moment to get his footing, and Sam wanted to reach out to him, to steady him, but Josh was out of reach before he could, changing the topic abruptly.  “I’m going to get ready for work, shouldn’t you guys do the same?”  With that, he disappeared into his closet and shut the door behind him, leaving Sam and Donna sitting on his bed, rumpled, confused, and close to scared out of their minds.

Donna smiled sadly at him, and Sam rubbed his hands down his face.

“C’mon, we can call a cab to drop us off at out apartments,” Donna suggested, lightly patting his shoulder as she stood and made her way to the kitchen.  “Give him some time to himself, we’ll check up on him again when we get to the White House.”  Sam stayed there frozen for a minute, paralyzed.  When he had gotten the call early that morning, he had been prepared for the worst, yet somehow, what he found himself facing now was more terrifying than anything his sleep-deprived, adrenaline-fueled brain could come up with.

Because Josh was okay, except that he really, _really_ wasn’t and he didn’t seem to want to talk about it, and Sam had absolutely no idea how to help him.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo not really a happy ending but at least everyone's alive? Reviews make me so happy, so please let me know what you think of this! (also feel free to drop me a message on insta (lymans_west_wing) or twitter (spn_mondler)!)


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